


Liberating Pain

by CassieAngelus



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Caring Sam, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Human Castiel, Hurt Castiel, Sastiel is you squint, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, mentioning of Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-09
Updated: 2013-10-09
Packaged: 2017-12-28 22:13:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/997532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CassieAngelus/pseuds/CassieAngelus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel have discovered that pain can be very liberating and help him with his emotional pain as a human.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Liberating Pain

**Author's Note:**

> THIS FANFIC IS ABOUT SELF-HARMING. DON'T READ IF YOU GET EASILY TRIGGERED. IF YOU GET TRIGGERED LEAVE THIS STORY IMMEDIATELY!
> 
> I wrote this in one sitting and I didn't have the energy to re-read it as I usually do to look for mistakes or other things that make the story less good. I may continue with this story in the future.

Dean had been severly hurt on this hunt and it was all his fault, Castiel thought as he leaned his forhead against the mirror, finding the cool surface calming. Sam was still at the hospital with Dean, but Cas had gone back to the motel. He looked at himself in the mirror, this wasn't the first hunt he had fucked up. He was really worthless as a human. How could he let something like this happen to Dean? His left hand made a cracking sound as he hit the wall and then slumped down on the floor.  
A throbbing pain emerged from his hand, but it wasn't enough. He took out a knife from one of his pockets, rolled up his left sleeve and let the knife bite into his pale skin. A wave of pain rushed through him and he closed his eyes with a sigh as he felt, the now wellknown, relief that came with the pain. For a while he just sat there, with his eyes closed, head leaned against the wall and the blood running down his wrist. It's first when he's going to patch himself up he realize that he cut deeper then intended to this time.

”Fuck” he mumbles.

When he heared Sam entering the motel room he could feel his panic raise to the surface. Sam couldn't find him like this. He glances at the bathroom door, he had forgotten to both close and lock the door and there was no way he would be able to dress the wound and clean up before Sam noticed him.

”Cas?” Sam calls.

He can't get a single word over his lips, not that he wanted to answer anyway. The panic increases even more and he feels how it gets hard to breath. It was never ment that anyone of them should know this. He tries to get up so he at least can close and lock the door, but his body fails him.

”Cas?” Sam calls again as he walks into the bathroom. It doesn't take him many seconds to realize what Cas has been doing. He kneel next to the former angel with a worried look on his face. Castiel knew that the hunter had several questions that he would want to ask, but also that he wouldn't ask them right now.  
Sam pressed a towel against the wound to stop the bleeding. After a quick examination he realized that he will have to sew it. During the time he patched Castiel up, the former angel was just sitting there, staring empty out in the air. This was not good, not at all.  
When the wound is cleaned, sewn and dressed he starts to clean up the mess around them.

”I am sorry, Sam” Castiel whispers. ”I never ment for you or Dean to know this” He is ashamed. He had tried so hard to conceal his scars and wound, because this wasn't the first time he had hurt himself.

Sam turnes around and look worridly at the other man.  
”Why, Cas?” He couldn't understand why Castiel had felt the need to hurt himself. Didn't they get hurt enough in the job?

Cas looked very conflicted, he didn't want to tell Sam why, but he also knew it was to late to hide this for him anymore. He took a deep breath and with a quick glance at Sam he embraced himself to tell the other man his reasons for the self harming.

“I... I just fuck everything up. I am worthless, useless and hopeless. Or as Dean once said, that without my mojo I'm just a baby in a trenchcoat.” Not that he wore that trenchcoat often anymore.  
“I'm just a big disappointment and I have no idea why you put up with me.” He bit the inside of his cheek not to cry, crying wasn't something he did. Now he had told Sam and the confession left him feeling empty, ashamed and exhausted.

Sam was too shocked to talk for awhile. He couldn't understand why he hadn't seen this before, how much in pain Castiel was. He was usually good at detecting this kind of things, but this time he had obviously been blind. The tears wanted to fall, but he fought them back. It felt like someone had stabbed him in his heart when he looked at his friend, heck Cas was much more then just a friend to him, just sitting there, looking small and so fraile with a clouded gaze that stared into nothingness.

“Cas...” He laid a hand on the former angel's shoulder and tried to look him in the eyes. “You are family. We care about you. We... we..love you. You are not worthless or useless and you don't fuck everything up. Sure you don't have any angelic powers anymore, but you've got so much knowledge that I and Dean don't have. You've lived for millenias and all that knowledge is still in you and you're not a bad fighter. Everyone have bad days and this time Dean happened to get hurt, but it's not your fault, Castiel.” Sam scoffed. “You should only know how many times Dean and I nearly got the other one killed, it's kind of a part of this job. You can't do a perfect job all the time and I think you are a extraordinary human.”

Cas flinched at the last part and glanced at Sam.  
“I was an angel. I belonged to something more powerful once.” he said with bitterness in his voice.

Sam looked worringly at the man for a few seconds before he answered.  
“I think you're still pretty powerful. Don't you understand how much use we have from all your knowledge?” He sighed and runned a hand through his hair, making it even messier and a bit fluffed up. Castiel looked like he was on his way to eaither pass out or fall asleep. Sam put an arm around Cas' waist and tried to drag him up from the floor.

“Lets get you into bed. You need to rest.”

Cas didn't really have the energy to protest, so he let Sam help him over to the bed and also to be tucked in. The younger hunter would probably watch him, with that worried look he use to have, the whole night.

“Don't tell Dean.” the former angel begged before he fell asleep.

Sam sighed, this was a real mess, but somehow they where going to go through it. And even though Cas didn't want him to tell Dean, he had to do that. His brother would notice that something was wrong and Castiel needed all help and support he could get. They had to help Cas, not matter what he needed. They had to get through this. He looked at the now sleeping man and slumped his long and aching body in the ugly flowerprinted armchair that stod in the corner. Tonight he would watch Castiel and try to think up a plan for how they should handle the situation and make the former angel feel better.

“I wish I had seen this earlier” he mumbles to himself.


End file.
